was a darker day today but I suppose I live in a tunnel

I know a lot of the stuff I write about is all about the stupid things I do in my life or the bad sexual experiences I have encountered and don't get me wrong there is a lot of that in my life but deep down I have a very dark side and I don't mean dark like Steven king novel I mean dark because I struggle to find light in my life. I have always found that it's best described that my mind is in a tunnel rather than a hole as being in a hole is very scary, this doesn't allow for much movement apart from out or deeper now a tunnel can still be dark and very deep but it's always moving (this train of thought allows me to function even on the darkest of days. When Martha was born (my daughter) it was as though someone was now holding my hand in the darkness so I would never feel alone and it pains me to know even having a baby didn't allow me to walk out of the tunnel.

It's not always completely dark down here sometimes lights are turned on and sometimes they stay on for a while but eventually i always walk into the dark, not a lot of people understand what it's like to live your life in the dark and hopefully more people will come to understand that people who feel like me can mask the pain and the emptiness with the facade we come to perfect, we can laugh and be silly and sometimes be the life and soul of the party but in my case it's just a light being turned on and will quickly fade.

I don't want to to read this and think that I have no happiness in my life as that's not true, I'm aware that there are things in my life like family,friends,gin and of course Martha but if you can hopefully start to understand the real me and the me behind the curtain that I have created you will start to understand my emotions don't work like other people do and I'm hoping by writing everything down it will help better understand me.