And the real me appears

So like I tried to explain to the mental health doctor (useless twat I might add) there is this horrible person inside me that fights to get out like Mr Hyde or the hulk (not the good superhero hulk either) the smallest thing seams to trigger this river of emotion and anger, I can't even Blame the trip to Tesco as today it went without incident (well almost) I mean the code of conduct for the checkout is pack your shopping pay and fuck off really, not start talking about your bunions I mean who gives a fuck go to the chiropodist not Debbie at till 3 what she going to do whip out a foot spa and soothe your aching feet (although that does sound nice) I did suggest she tried Birkenstock shoes. So after I loudly sighed which by the way annoys me when other people do it she moved on and I managed to pay, although it was my own fault as I chose to que rather than self check out as the girl on the check out was super hot (if you ignore shiny white contour lines) but of course she swapped with Debbie the middle aged egg shapped lady (names changed for obvious reasons). So I'm back home listening to my mom and dad argue about moving cars on the drive as my mom has blocked my dad in ( this is a long running issue I will talk about it another day) then suddenly I snapped the feeling comes over me like when you put warm cloths on out of the tumble dryer, and I just let rip firstly telling my mom all my mental Heath issues are her fault as she should of got me more help when I was younger and should still help, then when she said I should move out I told her I was going to put a hand full of sleeping pills in her drink (of course this would never happen) so of course I stormed off like a spoilt teenager who thinks he is the king of the world, but as the anger subsides and the warm feeling starts to go cold the remorse hit me like a freight train. I have lived with this fight between anger and remorse my whole life sometimes it's just a simple FUCK YOU then a sorry the type most people do but it can get so much worse.

So I turned to my bed the safe place where nothing can hurt me and I can't hurt anyone else although a few heavy set lady's have hurt me on this bed by let's sad putting me through it (the centre bar of my bed is now braced with wood) big thanks to Claire for that one. I think about hurting myself to feel the pain I cause to others and at a younger age I would have as it made me suffer hurting physically as I emotionally destroyed people, but now I just drown in self pity.