Me My mental health and my views on everything

I have been in the darkness of my mind for two days now and it's not getting any brighter, I have no job and no money, my debts and stacking up and as many cv's as I send out I still have no job offers or interviews not that in this state I would be able to successfully get through an interview. One of the easier ways I block out the bad and make sure I'm In the darkness is using sleeping pills or diazepam, every day I get down with the lack of money i have and it's making me feel physically and mentally drained, I can't explain how deep I'm feeling and how I'm fighting to get my self up out of bed but when I really think about it I don't want to feel better, I blame myself for not having a job and not having any money so maybe I should feel like this. So while I'm deep in the tunnel my blogs will be slowing down

As you may have guessed by now I have had issues with drugs in my past (mainly prescription drugs)  but obviously as the title suggests I have stupidly taken cocane (Columbian nose candy as we call it) so I will divulge a little bit into the drug use on this blog but the deeper darker details and reasons behind my drug use will have to wait for another day as this one is about a very stupid and potentially dangerous evening that happened about 5 years ago. Looking back now I realise my actions where stupid and dangerous, I spent a lot of time working on and off on events as security (Mainly festivals) and I managed to get work at the global gathering, now for those of you who haven't heard of this festival it's an electronic music festival and full to the brim with drugs (more so than any festival I have worked at) so we are doing our rounds and getting to know the people when we walk into a group of blokes that haven't realised we are there so don't have time to hide

Now we all enjoy a good BBQ and in this weather it's almost a must, although being British we seam to be able to BBQ in any weather, in fact I have a gazebo in case it's raining and I decided I wanted to have it in the rain. So when my brothers partner suggested we went over to there's for a healthy farthers day BBQ I was very hesitant as we all love fatty BBQ meet dripping with sauce and the only healthy is normally the lettuce on my burger. Now I will hold my hands up and admit I was truly wrong, Amy had prepared a selection of amazing healthy food including: burgers binded with ricotta, spicy prawns, vegetable skewers, slimming world sausages, a beautiful baked salmon with lemon, a huge selection of salad and a beautiful spicy chicken breast. Obviously there where added extras for those not dieting but when there is healthy food as beautiful as this there is no temptation to cheat. Now with the correct mind set and putting a little thought into your food it's possi

Was one of those shitty days yesterday that even in the the beautiful weather and it being the day I pick my daughter up it just felt slightly darker than it normally does, I do have worse days than others and sometimes lock my self away in my own mind so no one can get to me and binge watch Netflix in bed but yesterday was a day I needed to be up. It was this feeling that really made me think about the connections we embed onto things like smells,sounds,tastes and for me is mainly songs. I feel like it's a link to a time or place in my life and as soon as the link is pressed pages of information appear I vividly see images of the memory connected to that song and I feel we all need to spend more time embracing these connections and memories as it does help me reset sometimes.

I know a lot of the stuff I write about is all about the stupid things I do in my life or the bad sexual experiences I have encountered and don't get me wrong there is a lot of that in my life but deep down I have a very dark side and I don't mean dark like Steven king novel I mean dark because I struggle to find light in my life. I have always found that it's best described that my mind is in a tunnel rather than a hole as being in a hole is very scary, this doesn't allow for much movement apart from out or deeper now a tunnel can still be dark and very deep but it's always moving (this train of thought allows me to function even on the darkest of days. When Martha was born (my daughter) it was as though someone was now holding my hand in the darkness so I would never feel alone and it pains me to know even having a baby didn't allow me to walk out of the tunnel. It's not always completely dark down here sometimes lights are turned on and sometimes they s

I have a real issue with thinking I need to write a massive blog and sometimes I just have a few things I need to put and yes there's twitter and instagram that I'm already using but sometimes I like to come on here and jot down a few things as I have found blogging is a massive help when it comes to allowing my emotions to flow out and has helped me to stop building all the shit up and exploding. Now how many of you read the title and thought it was about penis size ????? Perverts